I Need Help Creating Balance as a Child-Free Couple

Your Guide to Getting Your Partner To Step Up at Home — Yes, Really

Are you the one who plans, remembers, and does, well, everything? You’re not alone. Research has shown that even in heterosexual relationships where both partners work and earn the same, women spend roughly 4.5 hours more per week on household chores and caregiving than men. That’s almost 10 days per year. And that doesn’t account for the mental load of keeping a household running smoothly —  the endless, ever-shifting list of to-dos in your head, like remembering to tell your partner that he needs to get his mom something for Mother’s Day, which, in what should be a surprise to no one, women also carry. No wonder we’re all exhausted. 

If you’re waiting — resentfully, no doubt —  for your partner to decide, of their own volition, to start doing their fair share, we have bad news. You’re going to have to initiate a conversation, set clear expectations, and create systems that work for both of you.

Track How You’re Actually Spending Your Time

We probably don’t have to tell you that household imbalance is real. In fact, a report published last year found that married women do more than twice as much household work as their male counterparts — who, honestly, may not even be aware of how much you’re doing. That’s why it’s so important to first do your own household audit. Even if you don’t end up sharing the data with your partner, the exercise can help you recognize all that’s on your plate and the toll it’s taking. 

• Track everything. Experts recommend doing this for a week, but that seems… ambitious. We suggest 24 hours, at least to start. As soon as you wake up, create a note on your phone and jot down all of your household responsibilities as you move through the day. This should include the tasks big and small, visible and invisible — from going grocery shopping to remembering to water the plants. 

• Evaluate your energy investments. Review everything you wrote down (warning: the note’s length may shock you) and identify the tasks that cause you the most stress or resentment, the ones you truly enjoy, and the things you genuinely only trust yourself to do.

• Question your standards. As you go through each item, also ask yourself: Is this necessary? Or, am I doing this because of how I was raised or what I think people expect me to do? Reflecting on the why can help you prioritize — and cut any gratuitous tasks. For example, perhaps you don’t actually need to deep clean your kitchen every week or send physical cards for every holiday.  

Get Real With Your Partner

Ask any relationship expert about, well, any issue and at least part of the answer will involve frequent and open communication with your partner. That’s certainly the case when it comes to splitting household labor — which, in theory, sounds great. The reality? It can be hard to find time to talk, particularly when you’re not exhausted or stressed. So aim for an evening when you’re both relatively calm and less likely to be interrupted. Just don't wait until you're completely overwhelmed and on the verge of losing your s**t. 

• Start with the positives. Acknowledge your partner’s contributions to show that their efforts don’t go unnoticed — which may make them more likely to step up around the house. Think: "I really appreciate how you always take care of the car maintenance and repairs. It's a big help."

• Have receipts ready. Now’s the time to present the data from your audit, focusing on everything you do — and how that makes you feel. You could say: "I tracked my household tasks, and I'm spending about [insert time] per week cleaning, [insert time] cooking, and [insert time] on miscellaneous household tasks — which leaves me exhausted and without much downtime."

• Use "I" statements. Avoid “you” statements, which can feel critical and accusatory, and instead, use “I” statements (as demonstrated above), which curbs defensiveness and leads to more fruitful conversations. For example, consider the difference between “you always leave a pile of dirty dishes in the sink” and “I feel stressed when I see a pile of dirty dishes in the sink.”

• Let your partner say how they feel. They may get defensive (“I do vacuum the house”), claim incompetence (“I’m not good at folding clothes"), or minimize your efforts (“It doesn't take that much time to find a vet”). Resist the temptation to scream. If you need a moment, take a breath (or several), acknowledge how they feel, and bring the conversation back to the goal of creating a more balanced home. 

• Pivot toward a solution. Your partner may want to digest the conversation or even do their own household audit. In that case, end the conversation by saying something like: "I'd like us to look at how we can balance things more fairly. Can we set aside time next week to review our household responsibilities and talk about what we each could own?"

Psst… want a step-by-step script for this that you can download to your Notes app? We’ve got that on Skimm+. 

Your Game Plan for Redistributing the Load

You’ve had the talk. Now, it’s time to take action. Here’s how you and your partner can divide and conquer:  

• Together, make a list of every chore, errand, and responsibility. Using your audit(s) as a starting point, compile a master list of every single task required to run your house, including less visible ones, like coordinating carpools and remembering to wash sports uniforms. 

• Cut any unnecessary tasks. This is a great opportunity to lighten the load for both of you. Before divvying things up, identify any current tasks that actually don’t make sense for your household, either due to bandwidth or priorities. For example, if neither of you care about having a freshly made bed, why bother? 

• Split the load. While you and your partner could own certain domains (think: they do meals, you do school), it might be easier to take it task by task. In which case, volunteer for the things you enjoy, then share requests for items you’d like them to handle, emphasizing why it’d be so helpful (“my workday starts earlier, so getting the kids ready for school is stressful”). Finally, for the tasks no one likes to do — *cough* cleaning the toilets *cough* — rotate who’s responsible. (Worth noting: To make this more fun, consider buying The Fair Play Deck, which was designed by Eve Rodsky and helps couples divide up to 100 visible and invisible tasks.)

• Set clear expectations. Chances are, you and your partner have different standards — so define what “done” looks like for each task (pro tip: the more specific, the better). For example, the bedtime routine should include a bath, a book, and lights out by 8 pm.

• Embrace tech support. Need help scheduling, organizing, and executing your assigned responsibilities? Naturally, there are plenty of apps for that. One free option that we like is Cozi — essentially, a one-stop shop for all of your household labor, with shareable calendars, to-do lists, and appointment reminders.

Set Yourself Up for Longterm Success

This won’t be a one-and-done conversation. And let’s be honest — it probably won’t be a smooth ride at first. Schedule a 15 to 30 minute check-in weekly, where you and your partner can discuss what’s working, what’s not, and what changes you might want to make. Here are three common roadblocks and how to address them:

• Resist the urge to micromanage. Repeat after us: There is no one way to do something. Of course, that’s easier said than done, but unless there’s a safety concern, it’s important to let your partner do the task their way, even if it’s not your style. Sure, your partner may take twice as long to make dinner — but if you don’t have to cook, consider that a win. 

• Practice patience. Look, we agree that you shouldn’t have to ask (again). But the truth is that your partner isn’t going to change overnight. If they need help noticing what needs to be done, suggest a written checklist (in a shared note on your phones, on a whiteboard everyone can see, or on a sticky note placed in a high-traffic area) as a reminder. You may also need to employ a more obvious visual cue — like, say, leaving the trash by the door to signal it needs to go out. 

• Be flexible. Was your partner put on a project that’ll require them to work extra late for a few weeks — and miss dinnertime completely? Or perhaps they need a break for one weekend, while their college buddies are in town? That’s OK. Use your weekly check-ins to talk through your schedules and see if there is anything they can take off your plate in exchange.

PS: You don’t have to handle it solo from here – let us do more heavy lifting. Skimm+ has your back. Think: step-by-step scripts to help you nail tough convos with your partner, downloadable templates to lessen your mental load, and a community of women like you who just get it. Join us here.